Love

It's been a while since my last blog/confession....

Today I've been thinking about love - - - not the romance of roses and chocolates, diamonds and big gestures, but day-to-day survival love.

My husband is in for a yummy dinner tonight - it's a surprise so can't put it on here yet - that's a little "I love you" from me. Luke just ate homemade congee and fruit puree - another "I love you." I show love through food and cuddles and laughter.

I receive love through daily contact; I ask for cuddles, invite people to spend time - but it has taken years for me to learn how to ask, how to show what I need/want....I still don't always make it clear - just ask my husband.

How do you show love?
How do you wish to receive love?

Her Personal Legend

It is said that the need for feminism is gone and in fact many women will loudly disown the concept as they embrace the powerful sexual 'girl-power' made famous by the Spice Girls. This blog is not going to dwell on the contradictions inherent in women pandering to male ideas of sexual beauty in order to empower themselves or in that many of these role-models don't know how to dress for the weather! 

Instead, I wish to discuss women in the literature I have recently read. Sadly, I think there is much done still to sideline females into particular roles and expectations thus removing options from the minds of young women. 

I had always meant to read Paulo Coelho's work. It has received international acclaim as inspiring; encouraging the achievement of each individual's life purpose or Personal Legend. The Alchemist is a fairytale with a message. The message I received, as a woman, was loud and clear - men go seek your Personal Legend and fulfilment while women please wait for your man to return.

"The desert takes our men from us....Some do come back. And then the other women are happy because they believe that their men may one day return, as well. I used to look at those women and envy them their happiness. Now, I too will be one of the women who wait.

I'm a desert woman and I'm proud of that. I want my husband to wander as free as the wind that shapes the dunes. And, if I have to, I will accept the fact that he has become a part of the clouds...."

The young woman and protagonist fall in love during a conversation. There is no exchange of goods, no promises of fidelity and the woman is left abandoned in a desert oasis during a civil war. Yet, she is happy because her man is happy - this was published in English in 2002! (late last century in the original Portugese). If he doesn't come back, for whatever reason, she will continue to wait as is a desert woman's lot! 

Where is the woman's quest to follow her Personal Legend. Surely, Coelho does not believe that all women share the same desires and are only truly happy as a base for a man!

Those of you who know me personally know that currently I am a stay-at-home-Mum to our first son 'stuck' in Hong Kong unable to work as my husband follows his career. I see no contradiction in this. This was a choice; part of a greater journey. When we as a couple make our next move it will be motivated by the pursuit of my career. I had a life before I met my husband. If our paths diverge through death or any other means, I will continue to have a life after my husband. 

(Perish the thought - today is our wedding anniversary so any idea of division makes me tremble).

I've also been reading Aaron's Rod, D.H. Lawrence (thanks to Project Gutenberg Etexts). Unbelievably Lawrence is more sympathetic to the 'waiting woman.' The eponymous Aaron leaves his wife and the colliery on Christmas morning to pursue a career of music (also seeking his Personal Legend I suppose). 

On Christmas Eve, Aaron leaves his family to visit ale houses, as is his wont.

"She felt there was a curious glamour about him. It made her feel bitter. He had an unfair advantage--he was free to go off, while she must stay at home with the children."

And in discussion with the doctor when it becomes clear, Aaron isn't coming home.

"Well then, why not let him travel? You can live."

"But to leave me alone," there was burning indignation in her voice. "To go off and leave me with every responsibility, to leave me with all the burden."

"....Aren't you better off without him?"

"I am....MAY EVIL BEFALL YOU, YOU SELFISH DEMON..."

Women are hogtied enough by our biology - a real partner, a real MAN supports, assists and when possible shares the load so that both people can attain their Personal Legends. 

Growing old together - stress on the word together!

Choose your evil

The recent devastating earthquakes in Christchurch and Japan and smaller ones around the Pacific Rim led my South African mother-in-law to suggest we consider SA as a new home.

SA has drawbacks too - human ones - a lack of respect for human life in Africa after years of war, oppressive regimes, dictators and poverty has led to rape and murder being commonplace.

I think I prefer sudden shrugs by mother nature.... don't know why but maybe it's the devil-you-know syndrome. I've always known that living in Wellington had its risks seismically. We had earthquake drills in primary school. You can't live in fear - so I don't.

Baby-wearing Part Two

Just a short one today...

To clear our heads and get out of the concrete jungle, hubby, baby and I walked in one of the country parks in Hong Kong today. We took turns wearing Luke; Grant in the Mai-tai style carrier and me in the Maya-wrap both hip and back carry.

Maya Wrap in Back-carry

Good points
-- Luke slept for 30mins or so - which he needed
-- Neither of us have sore backs (yet!)
-- Handsfree for both of us all day

Bad points
-- HOT - Luke didn't enjoy being up against sweaty Mum and Dad
-- Luke can't see us in the back hold and apart from some 'smacking the sherpa' has little interaction with the carrying parent so prefers the hip hold

Should be OK for Vietnam though!

So far away

Tuesday 22nd February 2011 will be remembered as a sad day.

Today at 1250 NZ time a 6.3 earthquake struck Christchurch - less than 6 months after Christchurch experienced a 7.1 earthquake. NZ congratulated itself and breathed a sigh of relief at dodging the bullet of casualties the first time; today we were not so lucky. 65 dead - scores missing/trapped....

I say 'we' because I am that strange creature - the 'ex-pat' - I am still a New Zealander 100%. Through the wonders of modern technology I was connected; a witness but the 'tyranny of distance' meant I was impotent. 

Today, my fellow NZers were killed by the wildness that makes New Zealand so beautiful and I watched. I watched and cried along with those who were rescued, narrowly escaped and surveyed their broken homes and workplaces. I gasped at the mess of the Cathedral. I felt the shock and fear through the camera lens.

I go to bed tonight sad, praying that the morning brings news of miraculous rescues, survival after a cold night and not statistics.

God bless Christchurch.

Yesterday and today

Yesterday I made my husband come home early from work because I just couldn't do it anymore. Luke hadn't napped for longer than 30 minutes all day, the cat was under foot, the harbour was shrouded in mist and, as it was too cold for a walk, my world had shrunk to 600 square feet! 

Today a cloud lifted in everything except for the weather. Luke's naps were better; I had a chance to read and study. Our fantastic part-time maid came so the flat looks great and everything fits better into its tiny little space. Luke and I managed two walks - one for coffee (for me anyway) and one to the supermarket. Even the cat was less annoying.

Why? No real reason..... Yesterday my mood started low even before the circumstances turned bad. I get down sometimes - thankfully only for 24 hour spurts. Today I was in a better space and then the world joined me.

1 in 3 people suffer depression during their lives. They have 'bad days' for months, even years, at a time. Depression is a relapsing, remitting condition so there is likely to be more than one episode in their lifetime. 

You never know who is going through what, when.....

My baby doesn't STTN!

STTN = sleep through the night

So Luke isn't as bad as some babies - he has managed a few 11-12 hour stretches and mostly wakes 1-2x/night at his worst 3x/night - he goes straight back to sleep after a feed BUT I'm whinging cos it's not fair!

He doesn't nurse to sleep.
He has regular naps with age appropriate wake times.
He has an early bedtime of 18h30.
He has a regular bedtime routine.
He breastfeeds 2-3 hourly during the day and has started solids.
He goes down for his 3 naps and bedtime awake and is able to self-soothe.
He sleeps in a sleep sac in a non-cluttered bed.
He always sleeps in his crib.
He doesn't have a pacifier.
He has white noise on at a sensible volume.
His room is dark and at a controlled temperature.

So, according to the books, he should be sleeping 12 hours a night without a feed or stirring!

His wakings are irregular so are likely hunger related. Luke is 6.5 months so probably going through another growth spurt - at 72cm he is desperately trying to out-grow all the other babies in Hong Kong!

I'm tired and as much as I love Luke and being a stay-at-home-mother, I would love some time off.

A breast-feeding baby, who is always growing, is not mad-keen on solids and won't take a bottle means a permanent need for Mummy!

I want my night out with the girls!!!

Any ideas ladies?