SAHM

Today I am angry!

As a SAHM I have a list of things that need to be done every day while simultaneously entertaining, feeding and cleaning a 6 month old.
As a SAHM living in a TINY apartment in Hong Kong, some of these things are best done as soon as I wake up, before the baby naps so as not to disturb him when he does.
As a SAHM I don't have to work in an office, go to boring meetings or hand in reports but I NEVER expected to be called selfish.

I am clumsy and make a lot of noise while going about my chores - it's a Thompson thing - blame my Dad!  It was this noise that upset my husband. While he ate his breakfast and watched Luke play on the floor; me doing the dishes, putting away other dishes, making his cup of tea, getting the washing on, organising the recycling and sorting the dry washing was too noisy! I upset his morning peace and quiet so I am selfish...

.... Grrrrr!

I love breastfeeding; Luke loves breastfeeding and it makes for a very settled, healthy little chap. BUT it does tie me to Luke. I have not had more than 30 minutes off (expect for 2.5 hours to go to a wedding when Luke was 6 weeks old and would still take a bottle) in 6 months. My day is structured the way it is to best suit Luke and his routine. Now I find I have to stay quiet until hubby leaves the house!

WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Breastfeeding

Well I have promised and everyone else has their breast-feeding story so here is ours. 

This time 'ours' refers to all three of us. 

Me - obviously, because they are my breasts and it's me that gets up in the middle of the night, wears the nursing bras and sensible access-all-areas tops and deals with leaking all the time!

Luke, as he is the one doing the latching on and all the weight gain (well most of the weight gain, Mummy gets to do some of that too!) 

And, my husband, because he has relinquished his ownership of my boobs, dealt with sharing a bed with a leaking woman, been tolerant of a less than organised household and supportive of the time needed for Luke and I to establish our breast-feeding relationship.

My reasons for wanting to breast-feed were both simple and complex. 

Simple - it's cheap, convenient, healthy for both of us and I'm too lazy to bottle-feed!

Complex - following fertility treatment and then induction due to pre-eclampsia, I wanted to do something organic and natural to pay Luke back. 

Luke's conception involved twenty-first century technology and far too many helpers. It still seems unfair that although he was made with love, he wasn't made from love. 

Luke's birth was equally clinical. My blood pressure shot up at 40 weeks and I was admitted in a hurry, monitored for days then induced. Labour started with the suppository thingies used to 'ripen the cervix' and was all over in three hours. The pain was worse than I had ever imagined. Not helped by my husband not being there until the end. We had both been reassured that nothing would happen and husbands in Hong Kong have to leave unless their wives are in active labour.  So I missed the excitement of the is it/isn't it, the rush to the hospital, the natural delivery I had trained for and dreamed of. Instead, it was a lonely, painful progression to five centimetres, a rush to the delivery suite, a hurriedly placed epidural (which only worked on the left side - but hey 50% agony is better than 100%), and then HUGE episiotomy as Luke was distressed. 

Although he was FINE following the excellent work of the obstetric resident, the paediatric resident whisked him away after an initial examination. I literally kissed his forehead and he was gone. I knew they weren't too worried - they did a frickin' hip check in the resuscitaire. I'm still annoyed with myself that I didn't put my foot down then. I consented to a couple of hours of observation; this turned into 48 hours in NICU with IV antibiotics, chest X-rays and cultures - all without any concept of informed consent!

There was literally blood on the walls and the poor resident doctor kept checking on me while prescribing more syntocin. 

((for the medical nerds - my admission Hb 13g/L, at discharge 8.5g/L!))

I had taken two breast-feeding classes; La Leche League and the Queen Mary Hospital (an university hospital in Hong Kong). I knew the importance of early latch-on, skin-to-skin time etc. But Luke was whisked off to neonatal care and I was left empty and deflated - both figuratively and literally.

Luke was born just after 330am - - - I saw him for the first time after 10am. A kind paediatric nurse helped him latch on the first time - he was a natural. Thank God!  It is a miracle that Luke managed it. I sure as hell didn't know what I was doing - class or no class! 

Although QMH is a breast-feeding friendly hospital, everything was done wrong. The nurses supplemented with formula within the first two hours he was in the unit. As Luke was in the neonate unit for 48 hours, I had to 'pop-up' for feeding. The nurses tried to make it as 'on demand' as possible but the poor guy missed out if there was a ward round, too many other patients, it was his bath time etc.  The strict visiting hours 3-8pm, parents only, are not conducive to early bonding - so I cheated! I know the nurses were complicit with me sneaking Luke to the breast-feeding room just to hold him.

By the time we took Luke home, 2.5 days after his birth, I had never seen him naked, bathed him or slept with him beside me. I was terrified. He shouldn't have been a breast-fed baby - somehow it worked.

Anyway, to cut a long story short-ish.....

Luke had days and nights confused.

Luke was a slow feeder - up to an hour a feed.

Luke was a comfort nurser.

BUT my nipples never hurt - I know women all over the world will doubt this statement - but despite flat/differently shaped nipples we never had latch or pain issues. 

My advice to new breast-feeders - 

1. Take a class - at least I had the basics in my head

2. Watch somebody else breast-feed - a good latch involves a lot of boob in the baby's mouth

3. Do nothing else for the first 2-3 weeks

4. SLEEP whenever you can - get someone to come over and watch the baby while he/she sleeps so you can shut your eyes! THANKS MUM!

5. Get a tame La Leche League leader or lactation consultant now! You will have questions/panics and they will make you feel better straight away. And I quote "If it doesn't hurt and the baby is gaining weight and having wet nappies, you're doing it right."

6. Above all DO NOT compare yourself with everyone else. Five minutes a side might happen at 6 months NOT at 6 weeks!

Anyway, so we're still breast-feeding with no end in sight. It has worked out well for us. 

I am VERY cognisant of the pressures for and against breast-feeding depending on the culture in which you live. There are many reasons why women choose to or not to breast-feed. They are none of my or anyone else's business!! If the babies are fed and happy that is all that really matters.

Child-rearing philosophies

I spend too long on the internet. I read one article, follow a link and before you know it an hour has passed. Before I had Luke I had no idea that child-rearing philosophies really existed or that the two 'camps' duke it out on a regular on-line basis. 

The whole argument confuses me. Parenting, from my vast experience you note, is not black and white. Babies don't, won't and shouldn't prefer the things the parents want them to prefer. Particularly if the list of preferences comes from a book, web-site or parenting 'club.'

Breast vs Formula

Baby-carrier vs Stroller

Cloth-diaper vs Disposable

Co-sleep vs Crib

Non-CIO vs Sleep-training

Late-weaning vs Solids at 4 months

Organic brands vs Supermarket specials

Make your own baby food vs Ready-made

etc.....

I've formatted the list as it is for a reason - on the left 'attachment parenting' on the right 'mainstream parenting.' And it appears to be an all or nothing choice.

Here is our (I include my husband here in our decision making) take on each debate.

Breast vs formula - I breastfeed and enjoy it (there will be whole post about how we got to this point in the future I promise). It is not a philosophic, soul-affirming, earth-shattering experience. Our child is fed; it is free and clean. It works for us. We are lucky.

Baby-carrier vs stroller - we have both. Living in Hong Kong can be challenging with a small baby without a retinue of servants or a car. On days when we will be up and down stairs and off and on public transport, Luke is in the front-pack and our backs suffer! Other days when it is more practical, the stroller. When he was tiny, the sling was a life-saver, because if he got uber-fussy while we were out, it allowed very discrete breast-feeding. I hadn't realised that 'baby-carrying' was a quasi-religious movement. I felt bad; Luke reaches for his toys and the floor if he has been manhandled for too long. He smiles when he is put down on his play-mat. Will our bond be somehow damaged?? NO! I continue to choose baby transportation methods as practicality sees fit!

Cloth-diaper vs disposable - again we do both. My husband feels very strongly about the environment and yet we live in Hong Kong where the environment is raped on a regular basis. One of the biggest problems in Hong Kong is landfill, we have plenty of water. So it makes sense not to add to the landfill but that means more washing - so we do use more water. I do, however, have a confession to make. If we are out and when we are on vacation, I do use disposables. They are easier and no-one wants to smell a cloth-diaper that has been festering in a bag for hours! A pleasant side-effect of cloth-diapering for Luke -- less nappy-rash!

Co-sleep vs crib - crib all the way. I'm medically trained in traditional medicine. I have seen the case reports of children smothered accidentally in a co-sleep situation. Although, I know there are 'safe' ways to co-sleep, I couldn't risk it - how would you live with yourself. There have been some early mornings when Luke has come into bed with us because of jet-lag, restlessness etc. but I haven't slept. Just laid down so he could sleep against me. I have had one or two nightmares when I have woken to find myself searching the sheets for Luke only to have my husband reassure me that he was safe and asleep in his crib. I'm just not suited to co-sleeping. 

I am of the opinion that our bed is - just that - ours. My husband and I have our own space where, let's face it, all we do is talk about the baby!! Luke is welcome, after 7am and when Dad has some pants on!

Non-CIO vs sleep training - here the waters get murky!! The passion against CIO (cry-it-out for the uninitiated) is incredible! It is, on my birth-board, acceptable to pierce the ears of a 4 month old baby girl but woe and betide anyone who considers sleep training. Independent sleep is something I value so we (and by this I mean me as my husband was happy for me to take the lead here) have tried to instil 'good' habits from day one; routines, healthy sleep associations/environment, consistency, down-drowsy-but-awake etc. It took months to evolve from a little guy who nursed to sleep for all naps and bedtimes to the little guy who smiles after his song and sucks on his bunny's ears or talks himself to sleep.  We did do two to three nights (at six months) of observed-CIO (where you don't leave the baby alone) for MOTN (middle of the night) wakings when Luke decided he needed the boob between each sleep cycle. It worked and now when he cries in the MOTN I know that he is hungry, hurt, whatever and go to him. 

Late-weaning vs solids at 4 months - this is still debated in the research but common-sense should reign. Luke had his first taste of rice cereal followed by avocado, pumpkin, apple, pears, peas and banana at 5 months. Sometimes he likes them other times not-so-much. He is a person not a machine. 

I didn't realise that late-weaning had religious overtones - it is a FEEDING method - nothing more! I would wean Luke soon, if he would let me! But looks like we are doing extended breast-feeding because that's what the baby wants! Our real problem is that he will only drink from the breast. So I am tied to him. Some days I resent this and dream of the days when I will be a separate person again. 

Organics! If my husband was writing this blog, you would get a several page diatribe about anti-competitive, kick-the-third-world-in-the-guts, low-productivity organic farming! Suffice to say, organics are not popular in our household. Locally sourced, where appropriate and sustainable, sensible, waste-reduction however is very key. It makes NO SENSE to use organic dishwashing liquid if by using the dishwasher you use ten times the water and four times the energy!! Just saying.....!

Make your own baby food vs shop-bought - I do make my own when I can find the ingredients and the time (not always easy in Hong Kong). I am not 'addicted' to making baby food anymore than I am 'addicted' to cloth diapers. Yes, there are women who claim to be both! They obviously haven't tried chocolate or wine!

There you have it, a middle of the road parent.........I suspect there are a lot of us out there!

Mummy groups

Let me preface this by saying I've never been good with large groups of women. I wasn't a popular kid at 14. I was too tall, too bookish, too skinny, didn't wear the right things and didn't know the right things to say. So I was sceptical that Mummy groups would be any better than cliques at high school.

I was wrong!

Before Luke arrived I reassured myself that I had already experienced fear and responsibility - being sole charge doctor of a hospital in the middle of the night - and sleep deprivation - shift work; so how hard could it be!

I was wrong!

I used to think there was nothing to gain from online message boards and that people who spend a lot of time online need some real friends.

I was wrong!

Being Luke's Mum is more good things than I believed possible. The swelling of pride, love and joy in my chest when he giggles while we play "super-baby" is overwhelming. But is also harder than I could possibly imagine.

First, motherhood can be very lonely. My husband didn't get any paternity leave. This is normal in Hong Kong; women are lucky if they get six weeks. So the 1am, 3am, 5am feeds or in the beginning 1am to 5am feeds were all mine. Even in Hong Kong, it is very quiet and the hazy lights of the city have an Apocalypse Now feel about them.

The online birth-boards kept me sane; good advice/bad advice, controversial topics, support, funny pictures. August2010 and July2010 www.babycenter.com - thank you ladies - you helped me through many a long night.

The first couple of weeks, the only trips out of the house were to the doctors or for a thirty minute walk around the park. Then I started to get brave and slightly more sleep. So I searched for mothers' groups in Hong Kong, looking for ladies with babies of Luke's age. This would have happened via antenatal classes in New Zealand but the antenatal classes here are large lectures with hundred plus participants!

I was so lucky to have stumbled across www.geobaby.com and the July-September birth group. These witty, beautiful, generous, warm women had been meeting during their pregnancies but I had missed out because of work. They had established friendships and could have closed shop like 14 year old girls. I'm so grateful they didn't. I have never laughed so hard or learnt so much in such a short time.

Living in Hong Kong as a gweipo first-time-Mum is tough at times. Isolated by language and looking different, it would be easy to find a large rock and hide under it. The Yummy-Mummies have allowed me to explore Hong Kong with Luke with the shelter of other mothers. Their insights into places to go, shop and eat have made my time here more fun. Their baby knowledge, particularly the second time Mums, has been reassuring and helpful.

The camaraderie from this multi-national group of women is amazing and I hope they will feel free to visit in New Zealand when we go home. In return, I'm hoping for invitations to Norway, Australia, Singapore, Germany, Switzerland, United Kingdom and Malaysia - HINT HINT - did I forget anyone?

Again, I feel blessed!

I would also suggest breast-feeding mothers contact their local La Leche League. Breast-feeding is a whole other post however.....

We are blessed!

So pregnancy for the infertile woman is fraught. That little blue line has been the goal for so long that the overwhelming feeling is relief - rather than joy. Then fear - lots of fear...

Fear of blood on toilet paper...

Fear that little cramp isn't ligament pain...

Fear of no heartbeat on the scan...

Fear of abnormalities at 20 week scan...

Fear of fewer movements than normal...

Fear of birth complications...

Whereas fertile women complain of cramps, sleeplessness, nausea, headaches; infertile women keep their mouths shut for fear that any ingratitude will be noted and punished.

Then the baby arrives and he is perfect......we ARE blessed and continue to be so.

Infertility pain

I am an infertility survivor. I am part of an infertile couple. Our baby is a result of reproductive technology. His conception required a whole team of people and weeks of embarrassing, intimate procedures for me. We are the lucky ones - we conceived and achieved a 'live birth' on the first try. We could afford the treatment and didn't have any medical complications. Others aren't so lucky....

Infertility is a very private pain but lived in public.

It is impossible to get away from. Every day shopping trips are traumatic as you are confronted by babies and pregnant women everywhere!

Your friends get pregnant and although you can be 'happy for them,' you also loathe their luck over yours.

Child abuse/death cases are reported and you sob for that baby who would have been more than welcome in your home.

Other people complain about their children; the inconvenience, the noise, the expense -- you can't say to an acquaintance, "Shut up! I'd take that child off your hands tomorrow!"

But as I say - we were lucky - we were blessed.

Infertile in London

So..... haven't had those two glasses of wine but didn't have to feed the baby overnight (yayayayaya) so lots of sleep almost as intoxicating.

After nine months of trying we went to see a GP. I pulled the doctor card and insisted on investigations. Normally, doctors make couples wait two years - this is to cover the small group of people who are too fat, too alcoholic, don't have enough sex or have a sub-fertility issue which makes conceiving unlikely but not impossible. We were healthy, having lots of sex - there MUST be something WRONG.

December 2008 my husband and I received news that we were very unlikely to conceive without medical assistance. My husband was practical, planning his next move. I was devastated - tearing up in random places, crying in the bath, not sleeping - the whole bit.

I can't express enough how thankful I was to work in medicine. Not for the knowledge base or access to information. Just that my colleagues are used to dealing with people in pain - physical and emotional. They understand the need to say something, nothing, whatever - just be there and they were. So thanks ladies!

We had three options; sperm donation, adoption or IVF with ICSI.

Sperm donation was the 'easiest' option physically but very difficult legally and emotionally. I didn't want just any man's child I wanted my husband's baby. I couldn't see the difference between the child of a sperm donor and an adopted child. At that stage I had no real drive to be pregnant. My husband saw it differently; he would rather have a child that was half-us than not-us-at-all. For many very sensible reasons, sperm donation is very rarely anonymous these days and the spectre of another father lurking in the future is scary.

Adoption was my preferred option initially. There are, unfortunately, still many children born into less than desirable circumstances who need homes and loving families. It isn't that easy to adopt in the West anymore. First, there are more adoptive parents than there are children so there is a substantial queue. Also, social services get to define what they see as desirable characteristics in an adoptive parent. Inevitably, this has led to a list of criteria and we don't fit.

London councils require that you live in their boundaries for more than two years before they will start the process. This is nigh on impossible in London when changing flats in the same area can mean you change council jurisdictions and, at this point, my husband was exasperated by the UK's "efficiency" and the weather. The idea of two years in a holding pattern was terrifying! As a couple of European origin, we would not be able to adopt cross-culturally, so the pool of available children is very small indeed.

We investigated adopting from New Zealand - we were excluded due to our international abode and constantly changing address - we look like child traffickers on paper!

Then my husband's native South Africa - we were not able to 'import' a child except to some Western European nations. Some sort of exclusive international adoption deal having been performed several years earlier.

So IVF it was then.

I've worked in the NHS and for somethings it is excellent.

IVF is not one of them.

We attended three appointments; all with long wait times and weeks between them. I had blood tests and ultrasounds. We got as far as completing a piece of paper to apply to have IVF funded - this took 4 months. We asked about privately funding a cycle ourselves (I was 32 at the time and we didn't want to wait too long) and were told the clinic shut over summer!! The coup de gras was the appointment before which we had abstained from sex (poor husband was even denied solo fun) and mountain biking for six weeks, only to be told that the planned semen freezing wouldn't take place as all the technologists were on a conference. Grrrrrrr - we'd had the appointment for weeks - it could have been moved surely!

Then, hubby got offered a job in Hong Kong - so we took it.

I wrote to the PCT (funding body in the UK) and retracted our application for funding. We packed our bags and July 2009 we were living in Hong Kong - a strange, beautiful city.

First post 5.5 months in....

So....let me introduce myself. To borrow an expression from a more articulate friend I am an 'oncologist at large.' I finished my post-graduate training in 2008 and have the piece of paper to prove it. Until I met my husband I was a doctor. That was it; my identity, my raison d'etre, my future. I loved men in general, I enjoyed my evenings off but work was my focus.

Then, hubby came along, life changed overnight. From men in general I went to loving this man, only this man, from that night onwards.

<<Said husband is being very disparaging at the idea of me writing a blog -- being in love doesn't stop someone being seriously aggravating sometimes!>>

I lost nothing - I passed my exams first pop, I finished my training, including a sojourn in the United Kingdom but I finally understood something my father has always said "No-one on their deathbed wishes they'd spent more time at the office."

We settled down into co-habitation; gardening, DIY etc. very quickly. Shared plans, shared finances bloomed into engagement and then a wedding. Catholic church, white dress, dinner reception the whole bit. We moved to the UK 'to avoid Groundhog Day' in NZ.

We had always wanted children - well I had always wanted children - very much! Hubby thought it was what getting married was 'for.' So we started trying - I love that expression but after 6 months with no pregnancy I started to hate it.

We were trying - really - no-one was having more sex than us. But every month my period arrived - almost always at work, in the middle of a busy clinic, and I would sit on the toilet and breathe - pushing the disappointment away with my breath - willing myself to get back to it. Smile, carry-on - listen to one more patient whinge about one more problem when all I wanted to do was scream because I wasn't pregnant yet!

Anyway I will need at least two glasses of wine before I re-open that particular can of worms so I'm off to toast english muffins and make hubby a cup of tea (which he will ask for when I stand up). It is a work of love this tea-making - long brewing time, two heaped teaspoons of sugar, two fingers of milk, not too hot.......