Love

It's been a while since my last blog/confession....

Today I've been thinking about love - - - not the romance of roses and chocolates, diamonds and big gestures, but day-to-day survival love.

My husband is in for a yummy dinner tonight - it's a surprise so can't put it on here yet - that's a little "I love you" from me. Luke just ate homemade congee and fruit puree - another "I love you." I show love through food and cuddles and laughter.

I receive love through daily contact; I ask for cuddles, invite people to spend time - but it has taken years for me to learn how to ask, how to show what I need/want....I still don't always make it clear - just ask my husband.

How do you show love?
How do you wish to receive love?

Her Personal Legend

It is said that the need for feminism is gone and in fact many women will loudly disown the concept as they embrace the powerful sexual 'girl-power' made famous by the Spice Girls. This blog is not going to dwell on the contradictions inherent in women pandering to male ideas of sexual beauty in order to empower themselves or in that many of these role-models don't know how to dress for the weather! 

Instead, I wish to discuss women in the literature I have recently read. Sadly, I think there is much done still to sideline females into particular roles and expectations thus removing options from the minds of young women. 

I had always meant to read Paulo Coelho's work. It has received international acclaim as inspiring; encouraging the achievement of each individual's life purpose or Personal Legend. The Alchemist is a fairytale with a message. The message I received, as a woman, was loud and clear - men go seek your Personal Legend and fulfilment while women please wait for your man to return.

"The desert takes our men from us....Some do come back. And then the other women are happy because they believe that their men may one day return, as well. I used to look at those women and envy them their happiness. Now, I too will be one of the women who wait.

I'm a desert woman and I'm proud of that. I want my husband to wander as free as the wind that shapes the dunes. And, if I have to, I will accept the fact that he has become a part of the clouds...."

The young woman and protagonist fall in love during a conversation. There is no exchange of goods, no promises of fidelity and the woman is left abandoned in a desert oasis during a civil war. Yet, she is happy because her man is happy - this was published in English in 2002! (late last century in the original Portugese). If he doesn't come back, for whatever reason, she will continue to wait as is a desert woman's lot! 

Where is the woman's quest to follow her Personal Legend. Surely, Coelho does not believe that all women share the same desires and are only truly happy as a base for a man!

Those of you who know me personally know that currently I am a stay-at-home-Mum to our first son 'stuck' in Hong Kong unable to work as my husband follows his career. I see no contradiction in this. This was a choice; part of a greater journey. When we as a couple make our next move it will be motivated by the pursuit of my career. I had a life before I met my husband. If our paths diverge through death or any other means, I will continue to have a life after my husband. 

(Perish the thought - today is our wedding anniversary so any idea of division makes me tremble).

I've also been reading Aaron's Rod, D.H. Lawrence (thanks to Project Gutenberg Etexts). Unbelievably Lawrence is more sympathetic to the 'waiting woman.' The eponymous Aaron leaves his wife and the colliery on Christmas morning to pursue a career of music (also seeking his Personal Legend I suppose). 

On Christmas Eve, Aaron leaves his family to visit ale houses, as is his wont.

"She felt there was a curious glamour about him. It made her feel bitter. He had an unfair advantage--he was free to go off, while she must stay at home with the children."

And in discussion with the doctor when it becomes clear, Aaron isn't coming home.

"Well then, why not let him travel? You can live."

"But to leave me alone," there was burning indignation in her voice. "To go off and leave me with every responsibility, to leave me with all the burden."

"....Aren't you better off without him?"

"I am....MAY EVIL BEFALL YOU, YOU SELFISH DEMON..."

Women are hogtied enough by our biology - a real partner, a real MAN supports, assists and when possible shares the load so that both people can attain their Personal Legends. 

Growing old together - stress on the word together!

Choose your evil

The recent devastating earthquakes in Christchurch and Japan and smaller ones around the Pacific Rim led my South African mother-in-law to suggest we consider SA as a new home.

SA has drawbacks too - human ones - a lack of respect for human life in Africa after years of war, oppressive regimes, dictators and poverty has led to rape and murder being commonplace.

I think I prefer sudden shrugs by mother nature.... don't know why but maybe it's the devil-you-know syndrome. I've always known that living in Wellington had its risks seismically. We had earthquake drills in primary school. You can't live in fear - so I don't.

Baby-wearing Part Two

Just a short one today...

To clear our heads and get out of the concrete jungle, hubby, baby and I walked in one of the country parks in Hong Kong today. We took turns wearing Luke; Grant in the Mai-tai style carrier and me in the Maya-wrap both hip and back carry.

Maya Wrap in Back-carry

Good points
-- Luke slept for 30mins or so - which he needed
-- Neither of us have sore backs (yet!)
-- Handsfree for both of us all day

Bad points
-- HOT - Luke didn't enjoy being up against sweaty Mum and Dad
-- Luke can't see us in the back hold and apart from some 'smacking the sherpa' has little interaction with the carrying parent so prefers the hip hold

Should be OK for Vietnam though!

So far away

Tuesday 22nd February 2011 will be remembered as a sad day.

Today at 1250 NZ time a 6.3 earthquake struck Christchurch - less than 6 months after Christchurch experienced a 7.1 earthquake. NZ congratulated itself and breathed a sigh of relief at dodging the bullet of casualties the first time; today we were not so lucky. 65 dead - scores missing/trapped....

I say 'we' because I am that strange creature - the 'ex-pat' - I am still a New Zealander 100%. Through the wonders of modern technology I was connected; a witness but the 'tyranny of distance' meant I was impotent. 

Today, my fellow NZers were killed by the wildness that makes New Zealand so beautiful and I watched. I watched and cried along with those who were rescued, narrowly escaped and surveyed their broken homes and workplaces. I gasped at the mess of the Cathedral. I felt the shock and fear through the camera lens.

I go to bed tonight sad, praying that the morning brings news of miraculous rescues, survival after a cold night and not statistics.

God bless Christchurch.

Yesterday and today

Yesterday I made my husband come home early from work because I just couldn't do it anymore. Luke hadn't napped for longer than 30 minutes all day, the cat was under foot, the harbour was shrouded in mist and, as it was too cold for a walk, my world had shrunk to 600 square feet! 

Today a cloud lifted in everything except for the weather. Luke's naps were better; I had a chance to read and study. Our fantastic part-time maid came so the flat looks great and everything fits better into its tiny little space. Luke and I managed two walks - one for coffee (for me anyway) and one to the supermarket. Even the cat was less annoying.

Why? No real reason..... Yesterday my mood started low even before the circumstances turned bad. I get down sometimes - thankfully only for 24 hour spurts. Today I was in a better space and then the world joined me.

1 in 3 people suffer depression during their lives. They have 'bad days' for months, even years, at a time. Depression is a relapsing, remitting condition so there is likely to be more than one episode in their lifetime. 

You never know who is going through what, when.....

My baby doesn't STTN!

STTN = sleep through the night

So Luke isn't as bad as some babies - he has managed a few 11-12 hour stretches and mostly wakes 1-2x/night at his worst 3x/night - he goes straight back to sleep after a feed BUT I'm whinging cos it's not fair!

He doesn't nurse to sleep.
He has regular naps with age appropriate wake times.
He has an early bedtime of 18h30.
He has a regular bedtime routine.
He breastfeeds 2-3 hourly during the day and has started solids.
He goes down for his 3 naps and bedtime awake and is able to self-soothe.
He sleeps in a sleep sac in a non-cluttered bed.
He always sleeps in his crib.
He doesn't have a pacifier.
He has white noise on at a sensible volume.
His room is dark and at a controlled temperature.

So, according to the books, he should be sleeping 12 hours a night without a feed or stirring!

His wakings are irregular so are likely hunger related. Luke is 6.5 months so probably going through another growth spurt - at 72cm he is desperately trying to out-grow all the other babies in Hong Kong!

I'm tired and as much as I love Luke and being a stay-at-home-mother, I would love some time off.

A breast-feeding baby, who is always growing, is not mad-keen on solids and won't take a bottle means a permanent need for Mummy!

I want my night out with the girls!!!

Any ideas ladies?

Baby-wearing

Before Luke was born, I hadn't given much thought to 'baby-wearing.' Naively I had no idea there was a quasi-religious movement concerned with using baby carriers. We bought a structured carrier and a pushchair (AKA stroller) and thought we would use either depending on convenience.

As we travelled and lived with Luke we discovered the ease of baby-wearing outside the home and bought a Maya wrap and most recently a Mei Tai. So here are my opinions of the carriers we have used so far - I have included the pushchair as I am all about practicality rather than philosophy. 

Pushchair (Graco Metrolite - HK$1500)

- pluses - lightweight, great shade hood, folds down small enough for car-boots etc.

- negatives - wheels already bent ??durability

- uses - long walks when baby very small - great for sleeping on the go

Maya-wrap (from La Leche League - HK$500)

- pluses - lightweight, versatile/adaptable to different ages/stages e.g. newborn - used cuddle/cradle carry and at 6 months - use hip carry, easy to breastfeed discretely

- negatives - definite learning curve and husband doesn't feel confident wearing

- uses - 1-2 hour walks, breastfeeding in public, airports

Structured Carrier (from Sweden - will edit to add the name when I can get into the baby's room without waking him - cost HK$1000)

- pluses - ease of use, most useful once Luke had head control - months 3-6, forward facing possible

- negatives - not great for our backs as Luke got heavier, much less comfortable than Maya-wrap

- uses - short trips e.g. supermarket 'pop-outs'

Mei-Tai (from China - actually has clips - only cost HK$59!) 

- pluses - husband will wear it, folds down to nothing

- negatives - only just bought it - will edit once we've more experience

- uses - we bought it for trip to Vietnam - we'll see how it goes

Second, third and fourth languages!

Just a quick one tonight 'cos I'm buggered! 

Gratuitous shot of flower market...

(Thanks ladies - dim sum, Fa Yuen street market then afternoon tea - hmmmm - 'French toast' which in HK is 'stuffed' with peanut butter and condensed milk!)

PLEASE take the opportunity to learn another language - even a few words. 

I have had the privilege of learning French, Mandarin and now Cantonese along with my native English. I am ashamed to say that my  Maori only extends to greetings and ceremonies. Speaking a few words has improved my experience in Tahiti, France, China, Hong Kong and Singapore; better service, easier travel and a more authentic 'experience' of the culture.

Case in point:-

Today at afternoon tea in Mong Kok (very busy part of Hong Kong with markets, a whole street of goldfish shops (amazing!!!) and a flower market) we struck a lovely waitress with minimal English. The menu was bilingual and we were all getting on famously with pointing and smiling. 

....and fish on Tung Choi Street

Hong Kong restaurants love 'sets' - combo deals. At this particular place, a coffee/tea cost HK$19 (US$2.50) and a 'set' HK$21. The waitress was shocked that two of our party would not want food for just HK$2 - surely you can always eat - and expressed as much in Cantonese. I laughed, translated and then explained in Cantonese that they weren't real Hong Kongers but I would have the 'French Toast' - 西多士(literally Western many soldiers/knights - sai do si - often Cantonese words for European concepts are transliterations rather than translations). The poor lady almost fell over when she heard me speak Cantonese - a pleasant surprise I hope! 

The farce regarding hot water to heat a baby's bottle was more French than the toast! Three attempts were needed before a vessel large enough for the bottle materialised!

Evidence Based Mothering

Some people just have a way with words - this one is for Ayesha - who has beautifully trained words dripping from every orifice!

EBM = evidence based medicine. So a potted summary for the 'lay-person' to make the rest of this post intelligible. 

The theory is, we, as doctors, should move from the hocus-pocus of dogma and towards medical practice defined by scientific method. The gold standard being randomised controlled trials preferably performed blinded with large populations. Where it is impractical or unethical to perform interventional trials; epidemiological observational studies are performed to identify 'best treatments' and risk-factors. 

In an interventional trial one treatment is compared with another e.g. two different kinds of chemotherapy for a defined cancer and outcome measures are assessed e.g. overall or disease-free survival.

There are two common ways to perform an observational study. 

1. Try to find the difference in outcome between two groups who are very similar except for a difference in behaviour/exposure (prospective). For example, comparing the cancer rates between a group of people exposed to a nuclear test with a matched group who were not exposed.

2. Compare the difference between two groups with different outcomes and assess whether there were any significant differences in exposure/behaviour that might have led to the different outcomes. For example, comparing lung cancer patients with matched people without lung cancer identified the risks of smoking.

Observational studies can only discover correlation. Causation is suggested if it is scientifically plausible BUT confounds (other factors that may also influence the outcome that are linked to the behaviour/risk factor) may actually be the causative agent.

So, to evidence based mothering and a controversial subject on birth-boards currently - sleep-training (an awful term)

1. Does sleep-training at six months result in better sleep patterns in later childhood?

2. Does sleep-training at six months result in psychological effects in later childhood?

3. Does sleep-training at six months result in differences in attachment in later childhood?

4. Is sleep-training at six-months effective in breaking negative sleep associations?

5. How long does sleep-training take to be effective?

Difficulties !!

-- An interventional trial can't be performed as the pro-sleep-training parents and anti-sleep-training parents won't be randomised or matched resulting in selection bias. And forcing parents to raise their children in a certain fashion is draconian and won't work!

-- how to perform an observational trial ? 

1. so many confounds as the parents will differ in so many other ways
2. children with 'bad-sleep' may be more likely to be sleep trained and may have differences in psychology, sleep patterns, attachment inherent to them as individuals
3. how to measure outcomes? what is normal sleep? what is abnormal sleep? what is normal/abnormal attachment?
4. how many children would be needed to attempt to get any sort of statistical power?
5. what sleep-training method to choose? 
6. how to teach/observe/enforce/ensure consistency of practice?

Research is defined by the questions asked but can not be performed ethically without a reasonable expectation of useful data. I can't imagine a study design that would lead to meaningful results. So the trial will never or rather should never be performed.

An illustration of why mothers will be relying on anecdote and word-of-mouth advice for many years yet!

Gran

Matthew 7:1-5 

 ¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

   ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Luke 6:37, 41-42

  ³⁷ “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. [...] 

   ⁴¹ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴² How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

My maternal grandmother believed in taking every one as you find them, expecting the best from others and giving of your best to all, regardless of who or what they are. Although she died many years ago I am reminded of her philosophy almost daily. 

Gran died following a long fight with breast cancer and 'designed' her own funeral Mass complete with readings. I read one of the above with Dad holding me from behind. 

Gran and Grandad with Mum - about the same age and stage as we are now!

I was reminded of this on the weekend when I met a woman for the second time. The first time I met her I didn't warm to her; she is immaculately turned out (I just can't manage that anymore so I am jealous) and she is a smoker (hate the sin and not the sinner Kate!) so I didn't make conversation and talked to the people I already knew. After TALKING to this lady over a glass of wine I discovered we have a lot in common BUT more importantly my snap judgement was WRONG. 

Sorry Gran, point taken, will try harder.

(Those of you who are wondering - yes Luke is named for the apostle. Saint Luke the Evangelist was a doctor himself and is the patron saint of physicians, surgeons, butchers and students. Very appropriate for the child of a veterinarian and physician.)

Balancing household needs

Luke is a delightful, happy, growing (75% weight, 97% height - tall and skinny like his Dad), 6 month-old. I'm not someone who believes in Mummy-martyrdom; my needs and the needs of his father need to be considered alongside Luke's. 

AND Mummy and Daddy are tired!

Luke has slept reasonably well for some time now - up 1-2 times a night. He has gone 11-12 hours without a feed a handful of blissful times. Some 'experts' say based on that he should now sleep through the night without a feed and we should institute a strict regime. Some say he should not be feed until 6-7 hours have passed and then 3-4 hourly after that. Some say we should co-sleep to minimise the disturbances to my sleep. Some say solids will make him sleep better; some make him sleep worse. Some say day sleep begets night sleep; some insist babies need to be tired out to sleep well!

AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Luke has a myriad of reasons to have disturbed sleep - recently - jet lag, vaccinations, ambient noise (Chinese New Year), a curious cat, a cold, an itchy facial rash following pumpkin contact, learning to roll/crawl, solids, disturbed schedule due to outings, distracted feeding during the day leading to catching up at night! So hardly surprising he is a little up and down with his waking.

Luke also refuses to read the books! He doesn't always have his longest sleep at the beginning of the night. Even when he wakes up only once it is sometimes at 4-5am and sometimes at midnight! 

We did a very-modified CIO for 3 nights to break his nursing to bed addiction and now he goes down awake after solids/bath/feed/cuddle and is normally asleep after some gurgling if any noise at all. He doesn't feed for naps either so I know he can 'self-soothe.'

At this point I've decided to just keep doing what we're doing. I can't face or stomach 'CIO' at 3am and can't justify it at 6 months. I'm getting 8 hours most nights (in pieces) and his Dad is getting enough sleep for work. Luke is getting 14-16 hours per day and obviously thriving. 

I'm sure things will get better, Luke has the skills he needs to sleep through the night, he just needs time!

Luke with Miffy the transitional object!

Now if only we could train the cat to sleep through the night so Luke was the only disturbance we had!

Me

I spend a lot of these posts talking about Luke - he is my 24/7 focus currently so that's not surprising.

But this is a letter to the younger me and all the younger women out there standing naked in front of the mirror despairing at their 'less-than-model-perfect' bodies and wondering if anyone could love them.

Dear Miss Younger Kate 

(just a side note here an Afrikaans friend calls me Miss Kate and although it's inaccurate I LOVE IT!)

You hate so many parts of your body - take a breath - relax - look at each part in turn - me (older Kate) loves that same body as I've grown into it and learnt why each piece was gifted as it was.

You hate the too-big-for-high-street-feet, but they have carried me around the world, on safari, through street markets, over mountains, up aisles, around hospital wards, up and down corridors and soon you will find shops that make to measure!

You hate your too thick hair and bushy eyebrows that need constant maintenance, but as I get older I don't worry about thinning hairlines or tattooed makeup - we are future proofed.

You hate that your weight yo-yos; too skinny as a teenager, too fat in your twenties - punishing yourself into a svelte frame with running. But I love my allergy-free, sexually-responsive, Luke-carrying body -- which, now changed by the job it most recently performed, will God-willing house this soul for decades yet. These arms are strong enough to baby-carry, these legs firm enough to withstand Wellington winds, these hands delicate enough to stroke my child's forehead.

You hate your too flat breasts, your not-like-the-porn-mag nipples. After six months breast-feeding they're not flat anymore, the nipples are perfectly functioning, the baby is thriving and I am at peace with these beautiful boobs.

As I age, I look back at you, younger Kate, and remember some of the anxieties that kept me awake at nights. I know I would not be the same person if I hadn't experienced those worries. But just wait, hold on, and at every new challenge, remember; for better or worse - this too will pass.

Good luck

Love Older Kate

Existentialism

I've been thinking....

Those of us with children conceived with reproductive technology owe their unique existence to so many happy accidents.

Naturally conceived children - two people met, they have sex, a random sperm find an egg one month, the baby survives gestation and is born.

Luke's conception - Grant and I met, had sex, sperm never met egg...

.....so we met a doctor in UK who wasn't any help - those eggs, those sperm missed out
.....so we met a doctor in HK who was great - those eggs, those sperm met - 8 embryos formed
.....of those 8 embryos - 5 were not healthy so 3 were left
.....of those 3 embryos - 2 were replaced, 1 was frozen for later
.....of those 2 embryos - Luke was the only one visible at 6 weeks

((success or otherwise may be attributed to the embryologist having a good day!))

Was 'Luke' waiting for a vessel and we just happened to be carrying that vessel when his turn arrived?
Is 'Luke' something inherent in that combination of sperm and egg?

If you believe the latter, then you have to grieve the combinations that didn't happen, the embryos that didn't survive, the chances missed.

If you believe the former, then someone else could have been raising my beautiful happy boy if we had got pregnant earlier, later or not at all.

Luke in Chinese New Year outfit

Or was Luke 'meant' to be ours, meant for our family, designed to be raised by us?

I'm glad the series of happy accidents, or fate, or biology led Luke to us, to our home, to our family.

Luke is a gift but a temporary one.... we are custodians of this magical person, entrusted with loving and raising him so he can become who he is meant to be.....He belongs to our larger family, his community, the universe.....

No more thinking for today!

Luke can move!

Luke is 6 months old and 2 days. For several weeks now he has been rolling both ways but hadn't really put it all together. This morning the penny fell --- he can MOVE - a variety of rolling, dragging and pushing backwards with his little feet.

We are SO not ready - so we will be watching him like a hawk until I can get some of the non-baby-safe items out of reach of his little fingers.

This new found movement coincides with his 'getting the hang' of solids. Now there is barely enough time during the day to do anything but feed and water the baby!

Our new schedule
700 - awake
715 - breastfeed
800 - breakfast - oats and fruit/yoghurt
830 - 1000 nap
1015 - breastfeed
1130 - lunch - toast cheese/eggs etc.
1200-1300 - nap
1315 - breastfeed
1500-1600 nap
1615 - breastfeed
1800 - dinner - vege puree - hopefully soon will include meat and be a scaled down version of what we're having
1815 - bath
1830 - final breastfeed and bed - asleep without a peep!

Of course Luke being like his Mummy there is scope for off days and snacks (both breastfeeding and solids) in there!

A good day

Some days are just good days - nothing special, no huge news, no special event - just an ordinary good day.

Luke slept well so we all got to sleep-in until 8am. He was then quite content to play until 10am which meant a leisurely breakfast for everyone and a chance for some crap TV while he slept his morning nap.

My husband and I are friends again and spent some time sorting out our future lives - where to work, what to do, how to share Luke's care etc.

A little walk around Hong Kong, a coffee, a doughnut, cheese on toast for lunch, and a little nap while Luke took his afternoon sleep....

Luke was in a hilarious mood in the afternoon - lots of talking, jumping in the Jolly Jumper and ravenous for his new solid pouchy thing (pumpkin, apricot and figs!) then bath-time - which is always fun as Luke devours his feet!

Hopefully, he will sleep well again so he will be cheerful and full of energy to practice his new mobility - caterpillar crawl, rotate, roll, wobble!

Hope the rabbit is good to you!
Gung Hei Fat Choi - 恭喜發財 

Common-sense

As a parent it is very easy to fall victim to an overdose of advice; most of it crazy passionate.

Some of the dire warnings with which I have been bombarded;

1. jolly-jumpers will destroy my baby's spine
2. formula is poison
3. feeding baby pureed food or rice cereal will ensure he is obese as an adult
4. forward facing baby carriers will psychologically damage Luke
5. not co-sleeping and using a stroller will prevent Luke and I becoming bonded
etc.

Not to be too biased against 'attachment/natural parenting', the other side are just as mad;

1. breast-fed infants miss out on valuable nutrients like DHAs
2. six-month olds need to be in classes for exercise and pre-language
3. if I don't leave Luke with a baby-sitter regularly he will be stunted in his social development
4. eating peanuts while pregnant/breast-feeding will cause allergies in Luke
5. the cat will sit on Luke's face and smother him
etc.

So I've only been a Mum for six months (today is Luke's half-birth-day!), and everything I say I won't do, wouldn't do, shouldn't do, I end up doing very shortly after.

So far;
1. breast-feeding past 6 months - never meant to but Luke doesn't want to be weaned, won't take a bottle and is a little slow on solids
2. baby-led-weaning - where the baby feeds themselves whole-foods as they feel ready - Luke has managed to feed himself banana, avocado, char-siu-bau, congee etc. OOPS!
3. cloth-diapering - meant to do it 100% but travelling and being out and about makes it impractical so we are 75-80%
etc.

Luke and I are together 24/7 and we muddle along. He and I are happy, mostly, and I figure we'll work it out as we go along.

Playing by ear and using our common-sense seems to be working so far!

SAHM

Today I am angry!

As a SAHM I have a list of things that need to be done every day while simultaneously entertaining, feeding and cleaning a 6 month old.
As a SAHM living in a TINY apartment in Hong Kong, some of these things are best done as soon as I wake up, before the baby naps so as not to disturb him when he does.
As a SAHM I don't have to work in an office, go to boring meetings or hand in reports but I NEVER expected to be called selfish.

I am clumsy and make a lot of noise while going about my chores - it's a Thompson thing - blame my Dad!  It was this noise that upset my husband. While he ate his breakfast and watched Luke play on the floor; me doing the dishes, putting away other dishes, making his cup of tea, getting the washing on, organising the recycling and sorting the dry washing was too noisy! I upset his morning peace and quiet so I am selfish...

.... Grrrrr!

I love breastfeeding; Luke loves breastfeeding and it makes for a very settled, healthy little chap. BUT it does tie me to Luke. I have not had more than 30 minutes off (expect for 2.5 hours to go to a wedding when Luke was 6 weeks old and would still take a bottle) in 6 months. My day is structured the way it is to best suit Luke and his routine. Now I find I have to stay quiet until hubby leaves the house!

WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Breastfeeding

Well I have promised and everyone else has their breast-feeding story so here is ours. 

This time 'ours' refers to all three of us. 

Me - obviously, because they are my breasts and it's me that gets up in the middle of the night, wears the nursing bras and sensible access-all-areas tops and deals with leaking all the time!

Luke, as he is the one doing the latching on and all the weight gain (well most of the weight gain, Mummy gets to do some of that too!) 

And, my husband, because he has relinquished his ownership of my boobs, dealt with sharing a bed with a leaking woman, been tolerant of a less than organised household and supportive of the time needed for Luke and I to establish our breast-feeding relationship.

My reasons for wanting to breast-feed were both simple and complex. 

Simple - it's cheap, convenient, healthy for both of us and I'm too lazy to bottle-feed!

Complex - following fertility treatment and then induction due to pre-eclampsia, I wanted to do something organic and natural to pay Luke back. 

Luke's conception involved twenty-first century technology and far too many helpers. It still seems unfair that although he was made with love, he wasn't made from love. 

Luke's birth was equally clinical. My blood pressure shot up at 40 weeks and I was admitted in a hurry, monitored for days then induced. Labour started with the suppository thingies used to 'ripen the cervix' and was all over in three hours. The pain was worse than I had ever imagined. Not helped by my husband not being there until the end. We had both been reassured that nothing would happen and husbands in Hong Kong have to leave unless their wives are in active labour.  So I missed the excitement of the is it/isn't it, the rush to the hospital, the natural delivery I had trained for and dreamed of. Instead, it was a lonely, painful progression to five centimetres, a rush to the delivery suite, a hurriedly placed epidural (which only worked on the left side - but hey 50% agony is better than 100%), and then HUGE episiotomy as Luke was distressed. 

Although he was FINE following the excellent work of the obstetric resident, the paediatric resident whisked him away after an initial examination. I literally kissed his forehead and he was gone. I knew they weren't too worried - they did a frickin' hip check in the resuscitaire. I'm still annoyed with myself that I didn't put my foot down then. I consented to a couple of hours of observation; this turned into 48 hours in NICU with IV antibiotics, chest X-rays and cultures - all without any concept of informed consent!

There was literally blood on the walls and the poor resident doctor kept checking on me while prescribing more syntocin. 

((for the medical nerds - my admission Hb 13g/L, at discharge 8.5g/L!))

I had taken two breast-feeding classes; La Leche League and the Queen Mary Hospital (an university hospital in Hong Kong). I knew the importance of early latch-on, skin-to-skin time etc. But Luke was whisked off to neonatal care and I was left empty and deflated - both figuratively and literally.

Luke was born just after 330am - - - I saw him for the first time after 10am. A kind paediatric nurse helped him latch on the first time - he was a natural. Thank God!  It is a miracle that Luke managed it. I sure as hell didn't know what I was doing - class or no class! 

Although QMH is a breast-feeding friendly hospital, everything was done wrong. The nurses supplemented with formula within the first two hours he was in the unit. As Luke was in the neonate unit for 48 hours, I had to 'pop-up' for feeding. The nurses tried to make it as 'on demand' as possible but the poor guy missed out if there was a ward round, too many other patients, it was his bath time etc.  The strict visiting hours 3-8pm, parents only, are not conducive to early bonding - so I cheated! I know the nurses were complicit with me sneaking Luke to the breast-feeding room just to hold him.

By the time we took Luke home, 2.5 days after his birth, I had never seen him naked, bathed him or slept with him beside me. I was terrified. He shouldn't have been a breast-fed baby - somehow it worked.

Anyway, to cut a long story short-ish.....

Luke had days and nights confused.

Luke was a slow feeder - up to an hour a feed.

Luke was a comfort nurser.

BUT my nipples never hurt - I know women all over the world will doubt this statement - but despite flat/differently shaped nipples we never had latch or pain issues. 

My advice to new breast-feeders - 

1. Take a class - at least I had the basics in my head

2. Watch somebody else breast-feed - a good latch involves a lot of boob in the baby's mouth

3. Do nothing else for the first 2-3 weeks

4. SLEEP whenever you can - get someone to come over and watch the baby while he/she sleeps so you can shut your eyes! THANKS MUM!

5. Get a tame La Leche League leader or lactation consultant now! You will have questions/panics and they will make you feel better straight away. And I quote "If it doesn't hurt and the baby is gaining weight and having wet nappies, you're doing it right."

6. Above all DO NOT compare yourself with everyone else. Five minutes a side might happen at 6 months NOT at 6 weeks!

Anyway, so we're still breast-feeding with no end in sight. It has worked out well for us. 

I am VERY cognisant of the pressures for and against breast-feeding depending on the culture in which you live. There are many reasons why women choose to or not to breast-feed. They are none of my or anyone else's business!! If the babies are fed and happy that is all that really matters.

Child-rearing philosophies

I spend too long on the internet. I read one article, follow a link and before you know it an hour has passed. Before I had Luke I had no idea that child-rearing philosophies really existed or that the two 'camps' duke it out on a regular on-line basis. 

The whole argument confuses me. Parenting, from my vast experience you note, is not black and white. Babies don't, won't and shouldn't prefer the things the parents want them to prefer. Particularly if the list of preferences comes from a book, web-site or parenting 'club.'

Breast vs Formula

Baby-carrier vs Stroller

Cloth-diaper vs Disposable

Co-sleep vs Crib

Non-CIO vs Sleep-training

Late-weaning vs Solids at 4 months

Organic brands vs Supermarket specials

Make your own baby food vs Ready-made

etc.....

I've formatted the list as it is for a reason - on the left 'attachment parenting' on the right 'mainstream parenting.' And it appears to be an all or nothing choice.

Here is our (I include my husband here in our decision making) take on each debate.

Breast vs formula - I breastfeed and enjoy it (there will be whole post about how we got to this point in the future I promise). It is not a philosophic, soul-affirming, earth-shattering experience. Our child is fed; it is free and clean. It works for us. We are lucky.

Baby-carrier vs stroller - we have both. Living in Hong Kong can be challenging with a small baby without a retinue of servants or a car. On days when we will be up and down stairs and off and on public transport, Luke is in the front-pack and our backs suffer! Other days when it is more practical, the stroller. When he was tiny, the sling was a life-saver, because if he got uber-fussy while we were out, it allowed very discrete breast-feeding. I hadn't realised that 'baby-carrying' was a quasi-religious movement. I felt bad; Luke reaches for his toys and the floor if he has been manhandled for too long. He smiles when he is put down on his play-mat. Will our bond be somehow damaged?? NO! I continue to choose baby transportation methods as practicality sees fit!

Cloth-diaper vs disposable - again we do both. My husband feels very strongly about the environment and yet we live in Hong Kong where the environment is raped on a regular basis. One of the biggest problems in Hong Kong is landfill, we have plenty of water. So it makes sense not to add to the landfill but that means more washing - so we do use more water. I do, however, have a confession to make. If we are out and when we are on vacation, I do use disposables. They are easier and no-one wants to smell a cloth-diaper that has been festering in a bag for hours! A pleasant side-effect of cloth-diapering for Luke -- less nappy-rash!

Co-sleep vs crib - crib all the way. I'm medically trained in traditional medicine. I have seen the case reports of children smothered accidentally in a co-sleep situation. Although, I know there are 'safe' ways to co-sleep, I couldn't risk it - how would you live with yourself. There have been some early mornings when Luke has come into bed with us because of jet-lag, restlessness etc. but I haven't slept. Just laid down so he could sleep against me. I have had one or two nightmares when I have woken to find myself searching the sheets for Luke only to have my husband reassure me that he was safe and asleep in his crib. I'm just not suited to co-sleeping. 

I am of the opinion that our bed is - just that - ours. My husband and I have our own space where, let's face it, all we do is talk about the baby!! Luke is welcome, after 7am and when Dad has some pants on!

Non-CIO vs sleep training - here the waters get murky!! The passion against CIO (cry-it-out for the uninitiated) is incredible! It is, on my birth-board, acceptable to pierce the ears of a 4 month old baby girl but woe and betide anyone who considers sleep training. Independent sleep is something I value so we (and by this I mean me as my husband was happy for me to take the lead here) have tried to instil 'good' habits from day one; routines, healthy sleep associations/environment, consistency, down-drowsy-but-awake etc. It took months to evolve from a little guy who nursed to sleep for all naps and bedtimes to the little guy who smiles after his song and sucks on his bunny's ears or talks himself to sleep.  We did do two to three nights (at six months) of observed-CIO (where you don't leave the baby alone) for MOTN (middle of the night) wakings when Luke decided he needed the boob between each sleep cycle. It worked and now when he cries in the MOTN I know that he is hungry, hurt, whatever and go to him. 

Late-weaning vs solids at 4 months - this is still debated in the research but common-sense should reign. Luke had his first taste of rice cereal followed by avocado, pumpkin, apple, pears, peas and banana at 5 months. Sometimes he likes them other times not-so-much. He is a person not a machine. 

I didn't realise that late-weaning had religious overtones - it is a FEEDING method - nothing more! I would wean Luke soon, if he would let me! But looks like we are doing extended breast-feeding because that's what the baby wants! Our real problem is that he will only drink from the breast. So I am tied to him. Some days I resent this and dream of the days when I will be a separate person again. 

Organics! If my husband was writing this blog, you would get a several page diatribe about anti-competitive, kick-the-third-world-in-the-guts, low-productivity organic farming! Suffice to say, organics are not popular in our household. Locally sourced, where appropriate and sustainable, sensible, waste-reduction however is very key. It makes NO SENSE to use organic dishwashing liquid if by using the dishwasher you use ten times the water and four times the energy!! Just saying.....!

Make your own baby food vs shop-bought - I do make my own when I can find the ingredients and the time (not always easy in Hong Kong). I am not 'addicted' to making baby food anymore than I am 'addicted' to cloth diapers. Yes, there are women who claim to be both! They obviously haven't tried chocolate or wine!

There you have it, a middle of the road parent.........I suspect there are a lot of us out there!

Mummy groups

Let me preface this by saying I've never been good with large groups of women. I wasn't a popular kid at 14. I was too tall, too bookish, too skinny, didn't wear the right things and didn't know the right things to say. So I was sceptical that Mummy groups would be any better than cliques at high school.

I was wrong!

Before Luke arrived I reassured myself that I had already experienced fear and responsibility - being sole charge doctor of a hospital in the middle of the night - and sleep deprivation - shift work; so how hard could it be!

I was wrong!

I used to think there was nothing to gain from online message boards and that people who spend a lot of time online need some real friends.

I was wrong!

Being Luke's Mum is more good things than I believed possible. The swelling of pride, love and joy in my chest when he giggles while we play "super-baby" is overwhelming. But is also harder than I could possibly imagine.

First, motherhood can be very lonely. My husband didn't get any paternity leave. This is normal in Hong Kong; women are lucky if they get six weeks. So the 1am, 3am, 5am feeds or in the beginning 1am to 5am feeds were all mine. Even in Hong Kong, it is very quiet and the hazy lights of the city have an Apocalypse Now feel about them.

The online birth-boards kept me sane; good advice/bad advice, controversial topics, support, funny pictures. August2010 and July2010 www.babycenter.com - thank you ladies - you helped me through many a long night.

The first couple of weeks, the only trips out of the house were to the doctors or for a thirty minute walk around the park. Then I started to get brave and slightly more sleep. So I searched for mothers' groups in Hong Kong, looking for ladies with babies of Luke's age. This would have happened via antenatal classes in New Zealand but the antenatal classes here are large lectures with hundred plus participants!

I was so lucky to have stumbled across www.geobaby.com and the July-September birth group. These witty, beautiful, generous, warm women had been meeting during their pregnancies but I had missed out because of work. They had established friendships and could have closed shop like 14 year old girls. I'm so grateful they didn't. I have never laughed so hard or learnt so much in such a short time.

Living in Hong Kong as a gweipo first-time-Mum is tough at times. Isolated by language and looking different, it would be easy to find a large rock and hide under it. The Yummy-Mummies have allowed me to explore Hong Kong with Luke with the shelter of other mothers. Their insights into places to go, shop and eat have made my time here more fun. Their baby knowledge, particularly the second time Mums, has been reassuring and helpful.

The camaraderie from this multi-national group of women is amazing and I hope they will feel free to visit in New Zealand when we go home. In return, I'm hoping for invitations to Norway, Australia, Singapore, Germany, Switzerland, United Kingdom and Malaysia - HINT HINT - did I forget anyone?

Again, I feel blessed!

I would also suggest breast-feeding mothers contact their local La Leche League. Breast-feeding is a whole other post however.....

We are blessed!

So pregnancy for the infertile woman is fraught. That little blue line has been the goal for so long that the overwhelming feeling is relief - rather than joy. Then fear - lots of fear...

Fear of blood on toilet paper...

Fear that little cramp isn't ligament pain...

Fear of no heartbeat on the scan...

Fear of abnormalities at 20 week scan...

Fear of fewer movements than normal...

Fear of birth complications...

Whereas fertile women complain of cramps, sleeplessness, nausea, headaches; infertile women keep their mouths shut for fear that any ingratitude will be noted and punished.

Then the baby arrives and he is perfect......we ARE blessed and continue to be so.

Infertility pain

I am an infertility survivor. I am part of an infertile couple. Our baby is a result of reproductive technology. His conception required a whole team of people and weeks of embarrassing, intimate procedures for me. We are the lucky ones - we conceived and achieved a 'live birth' on the first try. We could afford the treatment and didn't have any medical complications. Others aren't so lucky....

Infertility is a very private pain but lived in public.

It is impossible to get away from. Every day shopping trips are traumatic as you are confronted by babies and pregnant women everywhere!

Your friends get pregnant and although you can be 'happy for them,' you also loathe their luck over yours.

Child abuse/death cases are reported and you sob for that baby who would have been more than welcome in your home.

Other people complain about their children; the inconvenience, the noise, the expense -- you can't say to an acquaintance, "Shut up! I'd take that child off your hands tomorrow!"

But as I say - we were lucky - we were blessed.

Infertile in London

So..... haven't had those two glasses of wine but didn't have to feed the baby overnight (yayayayaya) so lots of sleep almost as intoxicating.

After nine months of trying we went to see a GP. I pulled the doctor card and insisted on investigations. Normally, doctors make couples wait two years - this is to cover the small group of people who are too fat, too alcoholic, don't have enough sex or have a sub-fertility issue which makes conceiving unlikely but not impossible. We were healthy, having lots of sex - there MUST be something WRONG.

December 2008 my husband and I received news that we were very unlikely to conceive without medical assistance. My husband was practical, planning his next move. I was devastated - tearing up in random places, crying in the bath, not sleeping - the whole bit.

I can't express enough how thankful I was to work in medicine. Not for the knowledge base or access to information. Just that my colleagues are used to dealing with people in pain - physical and emotional. They understand the need to say something, nothing, whatever - just be there and they were. So thanks ladies!

We had three options; sperm donation, adoption or IVF with ICSI.

Sperm donation was the 'easiest' option physically but very difficult legally and emotionally. I didn't want just any man's child I wanted my husband's baby. I couldn't see the difference between the child of a sperm donor and an adopted child. At that stage I had no real drive to be pregnant. My husband saw it differently; he would rather have a child that was half-us than not-us-at-all. For many very sensible reasons, sperm donation is very rarely anonymous these days and the spectre of another father lurking in the future is scary.

Adoption was my preferred option initially. There are, unfortunately, still many children born into less than desirable circumstances who need homes and loving families. It isn't that easy to adopt in the West anymore. First, there are more adoptive parents than there are children so there is a substantial queue. Also, social services get to define what they see as desirable characteristics in an adoptive parent. Inevitably, this has led to a list of criteria and we don't fit.

London councils require that you live in their boundaries for more than two years before they will start the process. This is nigh on impossible in London when changing flats in the same area can mean you change council jurisdictions and, at this point, my husband was exasperated by the UK's "efficiency" and the weather. The idea of two years in a holding pattern was terrifying! As a couple of European origin, we would not be able to adopt cross-culturally, so the pool of available children is very small indeed.

We investigated adopting from New Zealand - we were excluded due to our international abode and constantly changing address - we look like child traffickers on paper!

Then my husband's native South Africa - we were not able to 'import' a child except to some Western European nations. Some sort of exclusive international adoption deal having been performed several years earlier.

So IVF it was then.

I've worked in the NHS and for somethings it is excellent.

IVF is not one of them.

We attended three appointments; all with long wait times and weeks between them. I had blood tests and ultrasounds. We got as far as completing a piece of paper to apply to have IVF funded - this took 4 months. We asked about privately funding a cycle ourselves (I was 32 at the time and we didn't want to wait too long) and were told the clinic shut over summer!! The coup de gras was the appointment before which we had abstained from sex (poor husband was even denied solo fun) and mountain biking for six weeks, only to be told that the planned semen freezing wouldn't take place as all the technologists were on a conference. Grrrrrrr - we'd had the appointment for weeks - it could have been moved surely!

Then, hubby got offered a job in Hong Kong - so we took it.

I wrote to the PCT (funding body in the UK) and retracted our application for funding. We packed our bags and July 2009 we were living in Hong Kong - a strange, beautiful city.

First post 5.5 months in....

So....let me introduce myself. To borrow an expression from a more articulate friend I am an 'oncologist at large.' I finished my post-graduate training in 2008 and have the piece of paper to prove it. Until I met my husband I was a doctor. That was it; my identity, my raison d'etre, my future. I loved men in general, I enjoyed my evenings off but work was my focus.

Then, hubby came along, life changed overnight. From men in general I went to loving this man, only this man, from that night onwards.

<<Said husband is being very disparaging at the idea of me writing a blog -- being in love doesn't stop someone being seriously aggravating sometimes!>>

I lost nothing - I passed my exams first pop, I finished my training, including a sojourn in the United Kingdom but I finally understood something my father has always said "No-one on their deathbed wishes they'd spent more time at the office."

We settled down into co-habitation; gardening, DIY etc. very quickly. Shared plans, shared finances bloomed into engagement and then a wedding. Catholic church, white dress, dinner reception the whole bit. We moved to the UK 'to avoid Groundhog Day' in NZ.

We had always wanted children - well I had always wanted children - very much! Hubby thought it was what getting married was 'for.' So we started trying - I love that expression but after 6 months with no pregnancy I started to hate it.

We were trying - really - no-one was having more sex than us. But every month my period arrived - almost always at work, in the middle of a busy clinic, and I would sit on the toilet and breathe - pushing the disappointment away with my breath - willing myself to get back to it. Smile, carry-on - listen to one more patient whinge about one more problem when all I wanted to do was scream because I wasn't pregnant yet!

Anyway I will need at least two glasses of wine before I re-open that particular can of worms so I'm off to toast english muffins and make hubby a cup of tea (which he will ask for when I stand up). It is a work of love this tea-making - long brewing time, two heaped teaspoons of sugar, two fingers of milk, not too hot.......